Under normal circumstances I do not believe that I would choose to share the emotions I'm currently struggling with but I'm positive that you will not happen upon this now or any time in the future therefore I will carefully (or not so carefully) construct everything that I feel right now, for you in this post.
March 16, 2002, the day you asked me to be your own. We always disagreed about our actual anniversary date, you say it was March 18th but until the day I die I will contest that it was March 16th. It was so easy for me to agree to your request, to become your "girlfriend". I had already long admired you and hoped that this day would come. For you to finally notice me and want to be with me.
I can remember so clearly, even now, how awkward our first meeting was after we became an official couple. We were unsure as to how we should act around one another. We were no longer just friends, things had changed and to a 14 year old it was quite a serious change indeed. You told a few lame jokes to break the ice and I know I laughed genuinely because you did have a great sense of humor and an odd charm about you that even to this day I find attractive. I, being the bolder of the two of us reached for your hand and took it in my own. I remember the warmth as our fingers laced together, the rough feeling of the calluses on the palms of your hands. For me, this was pure bliss, the moment I had longed for our entire freshman year of high school.
I can recall our first kiss, we missed. I can't help but laugh at it now, so fitting for the two of us but even though we missed the mark the first time I can recall countless times that followed, the infinite occasions that our lips met in a blinding perfection that I hope to truly know again some day.
We experienced so much together, maybe that was what ultimately caused our downfall. We survived our parents divorces, high school, our brief stint in college, several mind numbing jobs, car accidents, the loss of family members, slight substance abuse, living together and my inability to control my anger.
Now we sleep in separate beds, in separate homes. We live our separate lives and for the most part I am happy with our decision. After nine and a half long and eventful years together we decided to take time for ourselves, to find out who we are as individuals. I am so thankful that we are able to get along amiably as I would not be able to function any other way. I require your presence in my life in some capacity, whether that is as a friend or a lover is inconsequential.
Often I wonder at what point we lost touch with each other as lovers. Was it my unkind and often unfounded words that drove you away? When was the moment you looked at me and realized that you no longer desired me? I don't like to remember the anger, the resentment and the general disgust we felt towards one another in the final days of our relationship but we were pulling away from each other, struggling to defines ourselves as individuals.
It's strange, in high school you were so vehemently opposed to indulging in alcohol and drugs. You found both acts to be repugnant. When did that change? What made you decide that you did want to participate? You told me you needed to drink to be social, it was a social lubricant for you. I don't understand why you felt the need for it. I always found you charming, witty, and humorous without it. I find you to be much more enjoyable as a sober person, mainly because I'm not the biggest fan of your slurred apologies. Do not misunderstand, I would not begrudge you the few social beers at the bar with a group of friends but drinking yourself into oblivion was never your best look. I loved you more when you were sober.
The time we spent together was never perfect and we went through our trials. Of all the breakups we have endured you initiated every one of them. It disturbs me now to realize that this is likely due to the fact that you have never loved me as much as I have loved you. It makes me shudder to think of how easy it was for you to tell me, several times, that you no longer loved me. Was this a sudden revelation? Or had you come to that conclusion long ago and been unable to communicate your feelings? How often did you string me along making me think that you still cared for me? You would tell me you didn't love me and then beg for me to forgive you days later. I can't be sure that you loved me the entire time that we were together.
You claim to still love me, even after the months we have spent away from each other. I've asked you several times if you do and you always provide the same reply that you do but we need to "do our own thing". I agree, it is important for us to take this time to experience everything we need to. I'm sure you are suspicious that I'm trying to initiate another relationship. I'm not. Who you are right now is not someone that I want for a romantic partner. You are struggling to figure out who you are and where you fit into this world. I can understand that but you should know that there is one place in this world where you will always fit and that is with me. I'm always going to be there to pick you up when you fall flat on your face whether you like it or not. You always said that we depended upon one another too much. That is how it should be and you should have been thankful that you ever had someone to depend upon in the first place.
I still have the note that you wrote me after you broke up with me the very first time and I wish you had stayed true to your word. I wish you had just left my heart alone because now I can't forget you. I don't know, I think I miss more of who you were than you now. There is no way to tell what the future will hold for us but I hope there is a resolution soon. I hope sooner rather than later you can recall just how much you used to care for me, or maybe I just fabricated that. I understand that we grew up but why did we have to grow apart?
I could probably continue on for who knows how long but my eyes hurt from the tears I have shed, my heart is heavy with the sense of loss that I feel and my head is beginning to hurt from all of the memories. I apologize to anyone that happens upon this post and takes the time to read it. You should not be exposed to such mindless drabble but I had to get this out of my head.
atomicnebula
Wow...
Well... this is interesting. I wasn't aware this still existed but I'm happy that it does. I read over all of my older posts and it makes me smile to think that I was such an angsty teenager. Not sure if I'll be deleting this account or updating it again. We will see.
No like its - It's only Rock n' Roll
Hey, Hey!
Well, I know it's been forever and a day since I updated this thing so I decided now was the time to do it. I completed high school and I'm now attending the local community college, which is cool because I don't have to pay as much as I would at a University. I'm paying for school by myself and working at the same time, so I'm pretty proud of myself.
Personal life is going very well, my boyfriend and I are doing great since the one time he broke up with me >: .... but we won't get into that. It's so hard to think of what to write in here anymore. I used to update almost every single day and now I can't think of anything to put in here that's worth reading. Oh well, I'll probably update later, ya'll. Until then.... I dunno just do what you gotta do.
Prom Pictures!
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v129/wierdanimegirl/P1010060.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v129/wierdanimegirl/P1010089.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v129/wierdanimegirl/Thegirls.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v129/wierdanimegirl/BrittandBrian.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v129/wierdanimegirl/TonyBrittMary_edited.jpg
Super Drive
Alrighty, not a whole lot going on, but let's talk about what has happened.
I got a job once again, it's at a little ice cream chain we have down here. I like it alot, but it's so effing clean in there I feel like I'm in a hospital sometimes. We get huge lines and people seem to like it alot. All the girls I've met/worked with so far have been very sweet and I'm looking forward to being good friends with all of them. I have to work mother's day and that sucks, but I don't really mind too much.
I got my prom dress altered yesterday. I needed it taken in around the bust and my waist, it was just a tad too big. Which is hilarious because if you know me, if it's too big around my bust then it's REALLY big : ( I was "blessed" with my mothers figure, apparently. But the dress looks like it will turn out lovely and I'm very excited. I already have the shoes and everything else to go with it.
Thursday was our Senior Skip Day and that was really fun. I hung out with my love all day long. We had to go run some errands like looking for stuff for prom for him, we went to a library on our day off (we're total nerds). Then we just basically sat around with each other all day. It sounds boring but it was one of the best times I've had with him, mainly because it was just the two of us together. We usually have a little crowd when we're together.
I finally found an anime with gay themes that I like : ( That's right I said it. I never thought I would because they always made the gay characters in anime so overly flamboyent. However, I really like Gravitation. Even though Shuichi is a little on the... hmmm... giddy side, I really liked the way that he interacted with Yuki and how he wouldn't give up on him. Anyway, if you've seen it you know what I mean, and if you don't and you have no problem with sexuality you should check it out. It's pretty cute : )
I got a job once again, it's at a little ice cream chain we have down here. I like it alot, but it's so effing clean in there I feel like I'm in a hospital sometimes. We get huge lines and people seem to like it alot. All the girls I've met/worked with so far have been very sweet and I'm looking forward to being good friends with all of them. I have to work mother's day and that sucks, but I don't really mind too much.
I got my prom dress altered yesterday. I needed it taken in around the bust and my waist, it was just a tad too big. Which is hilarious because if you know me, if it's too big around my bust then it's REALLY big : ( I was "blessed" with my mothers figure, apparently. But the dress looks like it will turn out lovely and I'm very excited. I already have the shoes and everything else to go with it.
Thursday was our Senior Skip Day and that was really fun. I hung out with my love all day long. We had to go run some errands like looking for stuff for prom for him, we went to a library on our day off (we're total nerds). Then we just basically sat around with each other all day. It sounds boring but it was one of the best times I've had with him, mainly because it was just the two of us together. We usually have a little crowd when we're together.
I finally found an anime with gay themes that I like : ( That's right I said it. I never thought I would because they always made the gay characters in anime so overly flamboyent. However, I really like Gravitation. Even though Shuichi is a little on the... hmmm... giddy side, I really liked the way that he interacted with Yuki and how he wouldn't give up on him. Anyway, if you've seen it you know what I mean, and if you don't and you have no problem with sexuality you should check it out. It's pretty cute : )
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